Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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