did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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