happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
