Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
