Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
