He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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