I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
