How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
