The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
