My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I want to make a zoo with you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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