pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
