Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
