either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
