i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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