I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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