Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
