I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
