I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
