My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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