My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
