I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
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