she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
