I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
