I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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