bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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