tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Bring me that man meat
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
