The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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