i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
