hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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