She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
