The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
