This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
