my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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