Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
