This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
