drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
