so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
