They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
