but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
