Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
