Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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