You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
