sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
