got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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