They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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