the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
