peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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