we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
