I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
