so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
