We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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